For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
