im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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