If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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