He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I am spending my child support on dildos
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
