he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
