theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Quick, to the slutcave!
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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