i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Randomize
