the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Randomize