My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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