It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
