I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Randomize
