I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
They have beer where we have blood.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
