It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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