I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
