I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Randomize
