My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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