I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
