My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
