I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
