it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Randomize
