he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
