I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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