so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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