Capitaan dildo arrescate!
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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