I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
