my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
