why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
