highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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