I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
