Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
