i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
