I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
