she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
