I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
