That's intense
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
