I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
