my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
i think my cat just said my name.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
