Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
