it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
