I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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