Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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