Cold hands, warm shart.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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