Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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