When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
