Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
