he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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