I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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