and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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