I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
