I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
