i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
