Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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