when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
