as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
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