No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
