there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
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