I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
