Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize